


Is this okay?

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Ace Connor, Asexual Character, Connor is trying, Don't worry, Evan is a good, Evan is best boyfriend, Kissing, M/M, No Smut, Treebros, asexual Connor Murphy, give that boy a hug, happy pride 20gayteen, understanding Evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 22:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14820377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: They’d never spoken about it. The sex thing. So Connor figured Evan probably just assumed he was nervous about it. And that’s fine by him. If it was up to him, they’d never talk about it. It would come to happen and he’d push through it. Because that’s what a good boyfriend did. Appease their partner and all that, right? Because this wasn’t normal. When did a guy say no? Why would he say no to a very physically attractive Evan panting in his lap, begging for more? He wouldn’t.He’d always give Evan everything. He owed him so much.





	Is this okay?

Connor always knew there was something wrong with him. He knew his head was messed up. He knew he was supposed to to like girls. He knew he wasn't supposed to like hurting himself. He knew he did a million other things wrong. But some part of him had always held out hope on this.

  


Some other part of him knew he'd only mess this up too.

  


The moments before this scene were still reeling through his head.

  


Evan, flushed and embarrassed, looking up at him from beneath thick lashes. Asking if he could kiss Connor. He’d never forget the way his heart sped up in both fear and excitement.

  


Now he had Evan in his lap, squirming if only slightly, making needy noises as Connor kissed him back. His hands had gripped tightly around Evan’s waist, the other boy’s hands fisted in his shirt and hair.

  


This was nice. It was supposed to be nice. So why did Connor feel sick at the thought of going past this? Every time Evan deepened his tongue or tugged a little harder on his hair, he felt a stab of an unfamiliar feeling and shuddered, not in ecstasy like the movies lead you to believe, but uncomfortable and a little disgusted.

  


The kissing was nice. It really was. But the rest was overwhelming and unwanted. But Evan wanted it. It was obvious that Evan wanted this, if the slowly growing bulge pressed against him had anything to say about it. And Connor was growing slowly as well. If only to remind him that his body knew this was normal. Just… his mind wasn’t on board.

  


Connor had always hoped that when it came to this, Evan would be shy. And need Connor to take the lead. But as their mouths moved against each other, it was obvious Evan, though certainly nervous, knew exactly what he wanted from Connor. And who was Connor to deny him?

  


After a year of him staying awake on the phone with Connor, going to therapist appointments, helping him get through high school, could he really deny his boyfriend such a natural progression for every relationship ever? To be honest, Connor should be grateful Evan hadn’t pushed farther than this in the four months they’d been dating.

  


They’d never spoken about it. The sex thing. So Connor figured Evan probably just assumed he was nervous about it. And that’s fine by him. If it was up to him, they’d never talk about it. It would come to happen and he’d push through it. Because that’s what a good boyfriend did. Appease their partner and all that, right? Because this wasn’t normal. When did a guy say no? Why would he say no to a very physically attractive Evan panting in his lap, begging for more? He wouldn’t.He’d always give Evan everything. He owed him so much.

  


So as Evan started to tug down the zipper to Connor’s jacket, he shivered. He could bare through this. He could do this for Evan.

  


The jacket came off and Connor felt exposed. His scarred arms hit cool air and suddenly Evan’s mouth was on his again, tongue pushing inexperienced between his aching lips.

  


“Is this okay?” he asked, half muffled by Connor’s lips. He nodded, taking in a shaky breath.

  


“Y-yeah. Of course.”

  


Evan grinned and hummed into their kiss, moving his hips slowly against Connor’s again.

  


He felt sick. A noise of approval made its way from his throat and Connor wanted to throw up. His body was responding more. His hands were clenching into the back of Evan’s shirt, holding him down. His body liked this, so should he. He  _ needed _ to like this!

  


Evan pulled away for a second and Connor’s chest started to fill with hope. Relief. A wish for this to end the heavy disgust filling his stomach, but then Evan’s lips moved to mouth at his neck, sending an entire different wave of nerves and regret through him. As he moved against him, Evan’s hands moved down to the top of Connor’s pants. His breathing quickened.

  


“Connor,” Evan sighed against him. “Can I…?’ He started to ask. Too wrapped up in the  _ hand _ at his pants, Connor blinked hard to get his head back together.

  


“Can you what?” He stuttered out.

  


Evan pulled back, flushed and hot, breathing hard. “Can I touch you?”

  


With a gulp, to pull back the spike of frustration he felt, Connor averted his eyes. He nodded, gripping Evan a little tighter.

  


“Con?” Evan asked again, sounding a little less breathless than before.

  


He couldn't meet his eyes. Closing his own, Connor nodded again. He had to do this. He had to be normal for one fuckng moment in his life. He could be normal for Evan. “Y-yeah, Ev. Just do it already.” He hated how his voice shook.

  


He didn’t realise when the hand at his pants moved to his face, pulling it up. He opened his eyes in response. Evan moved back some of Connor’s hair, frowning. Connor hated it.

  


“You’re shaking.”

  


“Am I?” he replied.

  


“Connor, we don’t- I uh. Do you want this?”

  


He wasted no time in nodding. He did. He  _ really _ did. He wanted it for Evan. He  _ would _ do it for Evan. Evan wasn’t having it however.

  


“Can you look at me and say that you want this?”

  


Connor bit the inside of his cheek, hands twitching where they held Evan firmly in his lap. He could still feel Evan pressing against him. He fought back the shiver. “Since when did you make demands?” He still couldn’t reach Evan’s eyes.

  


Sighing, Evan began to comb his fingers through Connor’s hair, washed for once. “Could you… not? Just- I won’t be upset. Just tell me.”

  


Evan moved Connor’s face until it was angled to where it would be just childish to look away now. He ripped off some skin in his mouth and nodded again, meeting Evan’s worried gaze. “Yeah,” he replied, but the tone was all wrong. It was scratchy and broken. Not at all like someone in the middle of making out with their very cute boyfriend. Evan’s frown deepened.

  


“Did I do something wrong? I uh. We can wait. I can read up more on it! I want this to be good you know and-”

  


Connor cut him off with a quick kiss. Soft kisses were safe. They were familiar. They distracted him from his exposed arms and heated skin. “No, you’re fine. You did everything right, Ev. I’m just-” He took a shaky breath. He just… he couldn’t say it. He could admit that the one thing he was holding out for to be normal was fucked as well. He shook his head slightly, meeting Evan’s eyes again.

  


“It’s nothing really. I’m okay. We can keep going.” This time he said it with a little more conviction. Evan had watched him though. He’d been around the guy for a year, He knew how Connor worked.

  


Evan pulled his hips back a little, already mostly calmed down, but he was glad he did as Connor’s shoulders lost their tensed posture if only slightly. “Connor, if you’re not comfortable, we don’t have to do this.”

  


“But you want to,” he tried, sounding just a little more desperate.

  


“I also want peanut butter but I’m allergic. I’ll survive if we put this off longer. It’s really okay.”

  


“But, Evan, you-”

  


He shook his head again, holding up Connor’s face to press their foreheads together. Connor closed his eyes with a short frustrated sigh. He wanted to cry. A light taste of copper hit his tongue as he held them back.

  


“Connor.” Connor blinked up at him.

  


“Do you want to have sex with me?”

  


He asked it with such calm patience. Connor sucked in a breath, closing his eyes again. He shook his head slightly. It was enough for Evan to see though.

  


With some hesitance, Evan ran a hand through Connor’s hair again, scratching slightly. This felt much nicer than the earlier uncomfortable heat it was causing.

  


“Do you… ever want to have sex with me?”

  


Connor’s heart stuttered in his chest. He felt his back go ridged as Evan tried to comfort him. Did he? He didn’t think so. He wanted to for Evan. But for himself? The thought of Evan touching him in places like that made him sick. He didn’t even like touching himself there, why would Evan want to? He wouldn’t mind touching Evan, if only to help out with the frustration he was sure to cause. Because Evan wanted this. He  _ knew _ Evan wanted this. Connor shuddered as he fought back more tears. He was too exposed. Evan could see too much.

  


He pulled away without answering, pushing Evan off of him with a little more force than necessary. Evan gave a quick shout as Connor quickly stood up on unstable legs and yanked his jacket back on. He fumbled with the zipper before giving up. He needed to go home. He couldn’t see the disgust and disappointment in Evan’s face when he figured out how fucking weird Connor is.

  


As he was searching for his shoes however, Evan was up in a second, hand pulling on Connor’s hand.

  


“Connor- I- Where a- are you going?”

  


Connor hated how that stutter was back. Evan had been comfortable. In control. He so rarely felt confident. So rarely felt okay to ask for what he wanted. And Connor ruined that. He felt tears bead up but took a deep breath, willing them away.

  


“Home,” he replied in a forced angry tone. If he was angry, he wouldn’t cry. And if he didn’t cry, maybe Evan wouldn’t hate him as much. Or worse. Pity him.

  


“But- Why? You can stay here, I thought- I thought Zoe was-”

  


He whirled on Evan, hating the way the boy flinched back. “I don’t give a  _ fuck _ about what Zoe is doing. I’m leaving.”

  


Evan bit his lip, not looking up at Connor. Great. He’d scared him. Connor felt a piece of him break.

  


“O-Oh. Uhm. Okay. I-I’m sorry that I…” He took a short breath, holding his eyes shut. “I’m sorry I upset you!” He rushed out.

  


“Upset- Evan, you didn’t-  _ Fuck _ You didn’t upset me, what are you talking about?”

  


“W-well I. I mean. I overstepped, right? I- I asked too much? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have- it's your business and I have no right to-”

  


Connor huffed, pushing his hair back. He cut Evan off with a short laugh. “Ev, it's not- you didn't do anything. I'm just an asshole. We're dating, you can ask if I want to have sex or not. It's a pretty normal question.” Yet it was one he had refused to answer.

  


Evan nodded uncertainly, standing up slowly. He tugged at the bottom of his shirt, not looking up. With a muttered curse, Connor sat back down on the bed, not looking at Evan.

  


He had to tell him. He had to let Evan know. Or the other would continue to blame himself regardless of what Connor said. Evan may know Connor, but Connor knew Evan as well. They were both a little fucked.

  


Evan stayed standing, shooting nervous glances towards Connor. As if expecting him to just jump up and shout. Connor ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

  


“Look,” he started, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. “I- I do. Want to have sex with you. If that's- if that's what you want.”

  


“It's not a-about what I want though. I can't- I can't sleep with you if you don't want to.”

  


Connor nodded, shifting slightly as Evan sat next to him.

  


“I know. I know that. I just…” he sighed again, picking at chipping black nails. He should repaint them soon. “I don't know how to explain it but… I like you a lot? Sometimes too much. And I like kissing you. But when we go farther I… I don't like it so much anymore. If that makes sense. Sorry.”

  


Evan was quiet. Connor tensed. Evan was going to break up with him. Who would date someone that doesn't like sex? Everyone likes it, right? He picked at his nails harder, not noticing the skin color streak he'd made on his thumb.

  


Evan took his hand away though, lacing their fingers. Connor looked up surprised, to see Evan smiling, if still a bit nervously.

  


“You could've just said so. We don't have to have sex, Connor. I still like you.”

  


He blinked, fingers twitching in Evan's hand. “But… but you like it.”

  


Evan shook his head. “Sure, but it's but a big deal. That's what- p-porn and stuff. Is for.”

  


He had to bite back a laugh at the way Evan adorable tripped over the word porn. “So… you still… Wanna be with me? Like. This is okay?”

  


Evan tilted his head slightly, obviously confused. “Yeah of course. Why wouldn't it be okay? Did you think I wouldn't like you just because you don't like sex?”

  


Connor looked away quickly, flushed with embarrassment. “I dunno.”

  


Evan moved to stand in front of Connor, holding his face with both hands. He gave him a sweet smile before kissing Connor's nose. It didn't help the redness in his cheeks at all. Though the shade looked really cute on Evan.

  


“Con, I like you. A lot. A Whole lot. I liked you before I knew this, and I still like you now.And if you change your mind one day, I'll like you then too. I know uhm. This is k-kind of hypocritical coming from me but. Don't worry about it?”

  


Rolling his eyes, Connor nodded, kissing Evan's lips gently. “Okay,” he replied. And surprisingly, he kind of meant it. He still felt a little guilty about not being comfortable giving  _ that _ to Evan but… this was okay. And as Evan took his hand, guiding him to the living room to have a marvel marathon, it was still okay. Especially when Evan fell asleep on his shoulder half way through the second movie.

  


Maybe one day he'd want to. Maybe he'd never want to. Evan would hopefully still like him. And he'd definitely still like Evan so. Connor pressed a kiss to Evan's forehead, laying back so he could rest more comfortably. This was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyy I wrote this for pride month. There's never enough ace fics out there. So here's one :) I hope y'all liked it?


End file.
